A New Year and a Fresh Start
by inulover28
Summary: Christmas without his mother had been hard enough, but Adrien never expected New Years to feel even worse. When his dad won't speak to him he tries to close himself off, but Marinette reminds him that he can always rely on his friends for comfort and a shoulder to cry on when the world gets to be too much.


**A little story that's been sitting unfinished in my documents for too long. Hope you enjoy this out-of-season little piece of angsty Adrien and comforting Marinette!**

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Adrien sighed, lost in a fuzzy cloud of half-thoughts as he stared blankly at his ceiling. Even scrolling through the pictures in his phone was too much effort at the moment. The smiling face that normally comforted him only seemed to make the tightness in his chest worsen.

"C'mon, Adrien. Stop sulking. You'll feel better if you do something!" Plagg coached, hovering around Adrien's head. The blonde sighed and shrugged, rolling his eyes towards his kwami. He knew he could talk to the cat, but whatever he said Plagg wouldn't understand it. Instead Adrien rolled over, hugging his pillow and closing his eyes.

"Can't I just lay here for once? You're the one always telling me to be lazy. Well, here it is. I'm being lazy," he mumbled. Plagg's ears drooped. He knew Adrien missed his mom and the Christmas holiday had been hard for him, but Plagg thought his friend would have been over it after how happy he'd been with his friends that night.

"What about that party Alya's having?" Plagg suggested hopefully. As if on queue Adrien's phone buzzed with a text from Nino to make sure he was still going to the party that night. Adrien frowned and tossed the phone to the side, not able to make himself take the time to write back. He wanted to go, but the thought was exhausting. As much as he knew sitting in bed and wallowing wouldn't change anything, having to act all happy and cheery for the party was beyond him. The normal perky guy he was but couldn't remember how to be. That's what they would expect.

There was a fist gripping around his chest tighter and tighter as he watched the clock tick by, chastising him that he needed to answer his friend before he could think there was something wrong. He'd excepted the invitation quickly in hopes the party would help distract him from his thoughts but he'd underestimated how badly New Year's Eve was going to affect him. He buried his face into his pillow further to hide away from reality for a few more minutes.

It didn't help that his dad had been holed away since that Christmas dinner with his friends. Adrien thought he might have opened up a little after that. Maybe they could have talked about his mom, or spent some time together for once. He knew his father had to be upset too, but for all their shared pain the man couldn't (or wouldn't ), express it to his son. That might have been the only reason Adrien sat up and texted Nino back.

Staying in the same house as his father while being ignored made things even worse. His mother would have been singing songs and getting a party of her own together. She would have decorated the house to the nines and then some. There'd be burnt cookies that she'd giggle about before letting the chief's make a new batch, and warm arms pulling him close whenever he came within reach.

The emptiness of the house was palpable. A heavy black curtain hung about the home where bright lights and cheer should have been. Even the Christmas tree still sitting in their foyer that Adrien had so painstakingly decorated felt cold and lifeless in the stark entryway. The mansion could only drain every ounce of happiness away.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and swiped at his eyes before texting Nino to see if he was free to hang out before the party. He needed to get out of the house before it suffocated what life he had left in him.

An afternoon of video games with his best friend had mostly cheered him up. Being free from the stifling mansion and able to ignore the absence of his father helped dull the tightness in his chest; so long as his mind didn't wander. The sharp cold wind blowing at his cheeks while they made their way to Alya's for the evening helped as a distraction. Part of him wondered if Hawkmoth would sense the dark cloud hanging around him and send an akuma after him. Adrien wasn't entirely sure he'd be able to resist if he did.

"Adrien!"

"What?" Adrien was pulled out of his daze long enough to catch the concern ghosting across Nino's face before it brightened again and he was nudged in the arm .

"I asked if there was anyone you wanted to catch under the mistletoe tonight," he grinned. The snow whipped around them and Adrien tucked his nose deeper into the fuzzy blue scarf he'd gotten for his birthday.

"Not really?"

"Chloe?" Nino chuckled, amused by the screech he earned in reply.

"No! You know I don't like her like that!" Adrien groaned, grateful for the conversation. Nino laughed loudly and shoved his hands in his pockets before side-eyeing the blonde.

"So there's no one? Not even… I don't know… Marinette maybe?" he offered. Adrien couldn't explain the sudden skip of his heartbeat and shook his head.

"N-no. I mean, why?" he asked, glaring at Nino playfully. Nino shrugged and scratched his nose with a gloved finger.

"No reason. She's not dating anyone. And she's cute. Why wouldn't you want to kiss her? Besides, if you could sidetrack Marinette I might be able to get Alya alone."

"Ooooh. So there's the real reason!" Adrien laughed and shoved his friend lightly. "Dude, she's you're girlfriend. You really think she won't kiss you?"

"Well, we haven't kissed yet! And I thought… I dunno… you know… a New Year's kiss under the mistletoe…" he mumbled.

"I'm sure you'll get a kiss. Don't worry about it too much."

"Who's going to get a kiss?" Alya's voice pipped up loud and clear from behind the boys who froze and squawked in surprise.

"Alya! I didn't… Hi! We were just… why are you guys here?" Nino stuttered with a mad blush while his girlfriend giggled and looped her arm into Marinette's.

"I was helping with the pastry boxes. Marinette's dad baked us a regular feast tonight. Right, Marinette? We'll hardly need dinner."

Marinette's eyes glanced up to Adrien then down to the boxes in her arms.

"I…um.. I told him not to make so much but…"

"Let me help," Adrien smiled and took the top box out of Marinette's arms. She stuttered out a thank you and the four made their way up to the apartment. Adrien easily fell into step by Marinette with Nino's joking going to his head. What would Marinette do if he did try to kiss her under the mistletoe that night? He'd never kissed anyone before. He wasn't even sure if he'd be good at it! Marinette probably wouldn't like it anyway, they were only friends after all. And she was so shy, he didn't want to put her on the spot. No, it was better left an idle thought.

Helping to set up for the party had been another blessed distraction for him. He found himself offering to do anything he could to keep himself busy and his thoughts clear. Once people had started showing up he tried to be as jovial as he could manage. It was his first New Year's party with friends and that much made it easier to bare.

The music was loud, the food was good, the company was warm and inviting and Adrien felt himself wishing it wouldn't end. But all to soon the count down started and everyone huddled off together. Rose and Julika; Alya and Nino; Nat off drawing on the couch next to Alix; Myleen with Ivan. Marinette hovered between the couch and Adrien but Adrien hardly noticed. As the clock counted down the swirling darkness that he'd pushed away for so long was creeping back up to him.

His throat closed and his chest tightened as the ball dropped and the room burst out in cheering, hugs, and kisses. He didn't notice Alya pulling Nino in for their first kiss or the worried eyes from Marinette as he stared off into the void. Everything was going to come to a close soon and then he'd have to go back to his quiet room in his quiet house and sit in the dark. He swallowed and clenched his fists as the world teetered. It felt like everything was falling sideways and he wasn't sure which way was up anymore.

Suddenly a warm hand took his wrist and the world straightened again. Marinette was frowning gently and tugging his wrist discreetly to follow her out. Adrien didn't question her as he was led outside of the party and the noise was drowned out behind the door. He took a deep breath and the warmth around his wrist was gone.

"What… uh… did you…" Adrien didn't know what to ask. His mind was still reeling, moments away from being swallowed by the pit he'd been running from for days. His thoughts were in chaos and his heart was hammering against his ribs, all while his body felt numb and lifeless.

"You looked like you needed to get out of there. Are you alright?" she asked carefully. Adrien looked down and nodded, trying to force a smile on.

"Y-Yeah. I'm…" he felt the heat stinging behind his eyes and quickly looked up at the lights to stop himself from crying when one of Alya's neighbors came out of their apartment cheering. A few more joined them and Adrien stiffened. Everything was too overwhelming and he couldn't keep himself together.

"Let's go somewhere quieter. Follow me," Marinette spoke gently and took his hand again. Marinette's touch sent a comfortable warmth through him that magically pushed the darkness further and made breathing a little easier. She lead them up a staircase to the roof of the building and the blissful quiet enveloped them. The cold bit at his fingertips but Adrien didn't care.

"Thanks," he said softly and made his way over to the tall ledge. He leaned on it, looking out over the city lights sparkling brightly and the fireworks going up behind the Eiffel Tower. He felt Marinette join him, quietly gazing at the scenery by his side.

The tightness swelled in his chest again as he remembered watching these same fireworks from their rooftop with his mother. There special time together in the festivities as far back as he could remember. She'd pull him aside and take him to the roof so they could take in the New Year, just the two of them. The pressure was building and he was afraid even the slightest slip would send him spiraling, and yet he found himself speaking as if his mind had enough and couldn't keep in one more thought in silence.

"Have you ever felt completely alone?" Adrien asked, clenching his fists against the cement barrier. Marinette watched him carefully, trying to understand where Adrien was coming from. "Have you ever felt… completely numb…to everything?" he swallowed, not sure why he was suddenly saying this. He felt ready to burst, and Marinette always felt so safe to talk to.

He didn't expect her to answer with a quiet 'yes', or for her to twine her warm fingers over his own ice cold ones. It jolted him enough to at least look up at her, eyes damp and warm and disbelieving.

"Really?"

"Yes," she spoke quietly and her eyes briefly darted to their hands and then the scenery. They skittered around for the least awkward point of focus she could manage as he waited patiently for her to continue. If she would continue. He could see the hesitation shimmering in her eyes and was ready to tell her she didn't need to continue. He shouldn't have asked. He didn't know why he'd said anything at all.

Her fingers tightened around his hand reassuringly and the hesitation melted away into determination. His breath caught in his throat as her soft blue eyes met his with such steadiness that all he could do was meet her gaze.

"I know what loneliness can feel like. But, even if it feels like it won't, talking to people can help. It's hard sometimes, but if you don't let anyone know you're hurting, no one can help you."

His breath hitched quietly and he looked back down at their hands, watching them swim in his vision. He was going to break in two, he was sure of it. The pain in his chest would split him in half and that would be it.

"How do you start?" he asked pitifully in a small, tight voice. Marinette saw the need for a gentle push, the hanging tears in Adrien's eyes breaking her heart. She shifted to try to get in Adrien's line of sight again.

"Wherever you want to. What do you feel right now?" she prompted, a little shocked when the tears finally fell and Adrien clenched her hand back tightly.

"Like I'm going to fall apart," he spoke finally, voice quivering and quiet. "Like…I can't breath," he shuddered on a hitched breath and a short sob. "It hurts so much," he sobbed and pulled his hand away to pull his elbows up onto the wall and hide his face in his hands. "I didn't… I didn't think it c-could hurt s-so much." His fingers tightened in his bangs as the pain grew sharper and holding back the sobs became impossible. He tried to rein himself in but it was too late to try. The reservoir of emotions was filled to the brim without him realizing it and the dam was cracking. He could feel his chest shattering along with it and completely embarrassed that he was losing control of himself like this in front of someone else.

Marinette watched the boy she loved fall apart in front of her helplessly but desperate to do something. She knew how painful that pit of darkness could be, and only wished she'd known sooner how far Adrien had sunk into it. It didn't matter if she knew the cause at the moment or not, Adrien needed her. He needed to know he wasn't alone.

"I'm right here, Adrien. I'm not going anywhere," she said and stroked a hand bravely up Adrien's quivering back. She stepped closer, continuing to stroke his back while squeezing his arm with the other hand. She didn't know how close she could be, but Adrien hadn't pushed her away and all she wanted to do was pull him against her and let him cry as long as he needed to. She brushed at his hair tenderly before untangling one of his hands from his bangs.

"You don't need to hide from me. I won't tell anyone anything. Nothing leaves this roof. Even if all you want to do is cry, I'm here." Her voice was firm and Adrien knew he could trust her. The quiet tears sliding down his cheeks froze in the winter air and all he wanted was to feel the warmth Marinette could give him. Slowly he closed the distance between them, his forehead thumping against her shoulder as he squeezed his eyes shut and let the tears cascade down his cheeks; heavy sobs punctuated the silence of the night air.

She didn't say anything else as her arms wrapped around Adrien's shoulders and he was grateful for the support as the wave of his emotions finally crashed and broke against the shore. He felt everything and nothing all at once and clutched to Marinette for dear life as the feeling threatened to break him to pieces. He didn't know how to handle it but Marinette held him together. Warm fingers in his hair. Soft words of comfort in his ear. A steady pillar to brace himself against. He hadn't had any of those things after his mother disappeared and had forgotten what it felt like for someone to be there without any expectations from him.

He wasn't sure how long they stood there before the pain eased from his chest and the tears slowed down. The fireworks had ended long ago and his fingers were frozen. He was sure Marinette must have been cold as ice but she didn't complain. She only brushed at his damp cheek with a handkerchief (self monogrammed, he noticed), and helped him sit down to catch his breath and steady his shaking limbs. Her touch had lessened and Adrien almost wanted to ask her to hold his hand again, if only for the tie to the here-and-now.

"I'm sorry," he sniffled quietly, "I didn't know I would get like this."

"Adrien…" she started softly, trying to decide if it was better to pry or leave things alone. Adrien decided to save her the struggle.

"My mom… disappeared one year ago today." he admitted quietly, surprised at the weight removed from his chest simply by speaking those words. They'd been as heavy as lead on his tongue. He'd hardly spoken about it since. He'd never been given the chance and he felt awkward now that he did, but the dam had shattered and his head was fuzzy from the rush of it.

"I didn't know it was today. I'm so sorry."

"My dad doesn't talk about it. I haven't even seen him since Christmas!" Adrien growled, surprising himself by the sudden burst of anger. "He thinks by not talking about it it will make it seem like she never disappeared but… but it doesn't. It makes it worse. He's never there. She left and nothing's been right since. I just miss her so much. Every day. This time last year we were together. We watched the fireworks together. She hugged me." Adrien sniffled and wiped at his eyes again. He pulled his knees to his chest, feeling so small and helpless.

Marinette shifted closer, brushing their shoulders together and waiting for Adrien to add any more to the story. It was clear these feelings had only peaked because of the anniversary, but had been brewing behind his warm facade for a while. She didn't have words to make him feel better and she knew it. There wasn't any magic word or phrase. Adrien didn't need her to tell him it would 'get better'. None of that mattered so she kept close instead.

Adrien felt the slight shiver from the girl next to him and straightened up, leaning closer to her and enjoying the comfort. He knew they should go inside, but he was a mess still and didn't want to face the crowd asking what happened. He was afraid to be that vulnerable to so many people at once. Even speaking to Marinette the emotions felt too raw and painful and he was thankful for the silent support. He didn't think he could handle any real conversation about it. Not yet. But there was something left he felt compelled to ask.

"You said… you've felt alone like this before?" he ventured carefully, eyeing Marinette and feeling strangely like it was something he shouldn't ask. It was hard to believe the bright, energetic girl he knew could ever have gotten so low.

"Nothing leaves this roof, right?" she asked with a curious glance to Adrien who nodded solemnly. She sighed and looked back at her hands.

"I haven't even told Alya," she started, feeling exposed but like she had to share after prying herself. "I think it was at its worst last year. I've always been shy and clumsy. I didn't make many real friends before Alya. I never felt part of it all. I couldn't find a way to connect to anyone. It all felt so fake and like no one really needed me there or wanted me there and all I could do was smile and pretend everything was fine." she sighed and concentrated on a snowflake as it drifted down and melted on her hand.

"It felt like I had no one. Sometimes I couldn't sleep. I couldn't breath. It felt like there was a crushing darkness pressing down on me and I couldn't show it. And then it just got worse knowing that I only had myself to blame for it."

"I had no idea. You're so happy all the time." Adrien blinked and Marinette smiled wryly.

"I tried so hard to change that this year. I needed to change it and no one could do it but me. And then I met Alya and some…" she paused to smile to herself, "Some miraculous things changed in my life and the clouds finally started to part." Marinette took a breath and finally looked back up at Adrien kindly.

"So I know what it's like to feel alone, but you have friends now. We're all here to help you and listen when you feel like you can't take it anymore. We care about you. If you're sad or angry or happy, you can tell us. Always. We might not understand how much it hurts, but if we can make it even a little bit easier, that's enough. It's a moment you're not alone. And trust me, it helps so much when you finally let people in."

For the first time that night Adrien didn't feel alone. He wasn't alone in his feelings, and he wasn't by himself. He knew he could talk to his friends, but somehow he hadn't been able to. He still didn't think he could open up like this to Nino or Alya, but Marinette was different. Maybe because they were so alike. Maybe that was why he felt so at ease around her? He smiled and took her hand into his, trying to warm it up.

"Thank you, Marinette. I really needed to hear that tonight." He smiled sadly and they sat in silence a moment as the snow started drifting down more heavily and the chill in the air sharpened.

"I guess we should go back inside. You're going to get sick," he finally said, squeezing Marinette's frozen fingers for emphasis.

"Me? I think you're shivering more," she giggled and stood up, blushing brightly as Adrien didn't let go of her hand. She turned towards the door but a gentle tug pulled her back.

"Marinette?" Adrien started, stopped, then looked up from his feet and tried again, "You know you're not alone anymore either, right? Not just Alya, you have me, too. And Nino. You're not just smiling anymore, are you?" he asked and Marinette smiled brightly, shaking her head.

"No. It's real now. Sometimes they come back, but my dark clouds passed. Your's will too, eventually."

They made their way back down the stairwell quietly. The heaviness that had settled around them earlier had lifted completely. Adrien felt so much lighter, even if the pain of knowing his mother was gone still lingered. If he couldn't have his father's comfort, at least he could have his friends. When they opened Alya's door the rest of their classmates had left already. Alya and Nino were the only ones sitting on the couch waiting for them.

"Dude! Where did you go?"

"Seriously, Marinette! We were worried. You were gone for like, an hour. You left your phones. We couldn't find you," Alya glared at her friends, then saw how red Adrien's eyes were. Adrien caught her stare and stiffened, rubbing at his eyes and trying to look away too late. Anger forgotten she cast a wide-eyed glance between the two and then Nino who also hadn't missed the obvious signs that Adrien had been crying.

"Hey, what happened? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm–" Adrien stopped and shook his head. "No, I really wasn't. But I'm better now. It's just the anniversary of the day… my mom…"

Nino didn't need Adrien to finish but before Adrien could look up his friend had him in a tight hug.

"Why didn't you say something? I knew something was up today, but I had no idea," He pulled back and Adrien smiled. "I'm here for you, man. Any time. That's what best buds are for, right?"

"Right. Thanks. Sorry I didn't tell you."

"Oh and uh, by the way," Nino grinned and pointed at the doorway above Adrien And Marinette. A bundle of Mistletoe hung from the frame and the pair blushed. Alya grinned smartly and crossed her arms.

"C'mon. It's tradition. And you've been standing there for 5 minutes!"

"N-no! It's ok! You don't have to! I mean if you want… but… no! I— Alya!" Marinette waved frantically but stood stock still when a gentle pair of lips pressed lightly against hers. Her brain stopped working as she looked into the red-tinged eyes of the boy she'd held moments ago. He pulled away and smiled shyly, scratching his neck as he looked away.

"Happy New Year, Marinette."

"H-Ha-Happy New Y-Year, Adrien."


End file.
